


complicated

by BrenH



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Coming Out, Gay Caleb, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-10
Updated: 2019-04-10
Packaged: 2020-01-11 01:47:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 996
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18420314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BrenH/pseuds/BrenH
Summary: It isn’t that he is shameful it is just… a sore spot. A complicated relationship, series of relationships, that he never got to find closure for.





	complicated

**Author's Note:**

> if mr o'brien comes out and tells us caleb is bi... that's incredibly valid also but as of ep 57... here is gay

Jester asks him when they’re little group is all together, sitting around a campfire somewhere in a field in Xhorhas. They had already sent Yeza to his son, had spoken to the people of Rosohna, and had carried on their merry little way to do Gods knows what. They were sitting around a fire and all of their friends were there and perhaps if they had been alone Caleb would be more inclined to answer her, but as it stands she asks him and he nearly chokes, and he feels the dread in his stomach, clawing up his throat.

“Hey  _ Caleb _ … We have been talking a lot about  _ love _ and being in love… can you tell me about you and Astrid?” 

His mouth is dry and he stares at the fire in front of him blankly and feels his breaths coming quicker, and he doesn’t say anything immediately which is when Beau pipes in.

“Astrid? Like the girl he knew at the academy?” 

“Yeah!” Jester says excitedly, not realizing Caleb’s mounting dread. “He told me they used to  _ dance _ together and that he thought she was  _ very handsome _ .”

“Oh we sent a letter to her…” Nott says to Beau, “she probably ignored it thought because Caleb’s name wasn’t Caleb back then and she wouldn’t know what we were talking about…”

Fjord whistles, a shit-eating grin on his face. “You had a little girlfriend at school? It ain’t surprising but I didn’t exactly peg you as the type.” 

Caduceus makes a series of soft humming sounds and “Oh that’s nice,” and Caleb knows they don’t mean any harm but Jester excitedly turns back to him and asks him to tell her about he and Astrid again and he isn’t sure what to do.

Caleb sits there, Frumpkin in his lap as he anxiously pets him. If they were alone he would answer her but they are not alone which means he must answer them. “We were not uh… like that, Jester.” Caleb says quietly, hoping that would persuade her to end this line of questioning.

It doesn’t. “You sounded like you really, really liked her though… did she not like you back, or something?” 

Caleb winces at the irony of her question and continues rubbing up and down Frumpkin’s back. “No it… it uh…” Caleb groans, squeezing his eyes shut as he tries not to rock back and forth. He hears Beau start to say something to Jester, probably telling her to let it go, but Caleb sniffles and tries his best. “When we were young… Astrid admitted she had uh… feelings for me. Feeling which I did not reciprocate.” 

He hears Fjord tut at him, “A heartbreaker, I did take you for.” and he knows Fjord’s tone is meant to be sarcastic, supposed to lighten the mood a bit but he and Astrid were such an ugly thing, such an unfortunate scar.

“I  _ tried _ .” He urges, opening his eyes and looking to Fjord and then holding eye contact with Jester for just a moment. “I tried… to reciprocate. I tried very hard but I could not. So we did not last long as much of anything besides friends and… and I know she resented me a little bit but then I began a relationship with somebody else and she… she  _ hated _ me for it… I know she tried not to but she did.”

Jester’s eyes are sad, but understanding, and it’s the understanding he sees within them, the empathy, that makes him look away, look back at Frumpkin’s head, at the fire, anywhere else. “Why could you not reciprocate?”

Caleb laughs and it’s an ugly, hysteric thing. He used to ask himself the same thing all the time. “She just… she just wasn’t…. My  _ type _ .” He says, looking back up, hoping to see the same understanding in them even though he knows he isn’t being clear, that type could mean a lot of different things. 

“Well… maybe she  _ could _ have been your type under different circumstances.” Nott says softly, smiling up at him. 

Caleb knows she means well, is only trying to placate his complicated feelings but she doesn’t get it, doesn’t understand what he’s trying to say. “No, no she  _ could not  _ be, I-I-I  _ tried _ . I tried to feel for her as I did for—I tried but I could not and she could not be my type if I had wanted.” He sees more confused looks from his friends, from these people he should be able to be open about this sort of thing with, and so he turns to look at Beau, pleading with her to understand, to say what he couldn’t. “Beauregard it is like with you. You have a… a  _ type _ and some people cannot just  _ be _ your type.”

Beau looks taken aback for a moment, scrunching her face up as she denies him this one thing, tells him “No, Caleb you’re not being  _ clear _ , I don’t—” and then he sees her understand, sees her face soften as she nods sympathetically. She looks at Jester, opening her mouth for a moment, before closing it and turning back to regard Caleb. “Caleb… you don’t have to answer and you don’t have to be ashamed, we’re all your friends and we all… care about you. The other relationship you had… was it with the other student with you two? Eodwulf?” 

Caleb nods harshly, staring back at his cat who isn’t really a cat but feels like one just the same. It isn’t that he is  _ shameful _ it is just… a sore spot. A complicated relationship, series of relationships, that he never got to find closure for. He feels an understanding settle over his companions, hears Nott whisper something to Caduceus, still staring at his cat.

“Caleb,” Jester calls softly, and he hears no pity, no sadness in her voice, so he looks back up at her, and she gives him a small, sweet smile. “Can you tell me about you and Eodwulf then?" 


End file.
